I danced with that devil

Recently, I came across the page of someone I used to know and it hit me hard. I was triggered. Not out of bitterness or hatred, but from the flood of memories of how they kicked me when I was already drowning in my own shit. When I was barely keeping my head above water, they shoved me further down. That kind of cruelty isn’t just careless. It’s evil. It’s devilish. It’s the kind of thing that breaks trust and shatters your spirit.

I thought this person was a friend, a companion, someone I could trust. The devil was an angel too. I recently came across them making a motivational video as if they are some type of saint. I know the truth, but maybe the truth I know is just the version of this person I received. Who knows? Every time I see their face, I get triggered. Not out of hatred, but out of hurt. This is one thing I am learning to hold space for.

Forgiveness is hard, especially when the person performed their grand gesture in the most sinister ways and blamed you for every wrong. It’s like they rewrote the story, made themselves the victim, and erased your pain. That kind of betrayal cuts deep. But I’m learning it’s okay to feel triggered. It’s okay to hold onto that hurt while still moving toward healing.

But here’s the thing I want to be real about. I own my responsibility in this too. I should have cut them off long ago. I should have protected myself better. But I didn’t. Why? Because I lacked love for myself. Because my self-worth was so low, I thought I deserved the pain or that maybe, just maybe, they would change. It takes two to tango, and I sure did tango. I danced with that devil. I stayed in a toxic rhythm that only brought me harm.

And that’s okay to admit. It’s okay to be triggered. It doesn’t make you weak or broken. It makes you human. It means you’re feeling the wounds that never fully healed. It means the pain you endured still lives inside you, and that’s a signal, not a failure. It’s a call to keep going, not by forcing forgiveness or forgetting, but by honoring your emotions and setting the boundaries you couldn’t before.

Being triggered means you’re still healing. It means your heart remembers what your mind tries to forget. It’s okay to sit with that discomfort. It’s okay to feel hurt again. And it’s okay to take your time stepping out of that shadow.

I’m learning that healing isn’t about erasing the past or pretending everything is fine. It’s about holding space for the truth, the ugly, painful, messy truth, and choosing to protect yourself moving forward. Because you deserve that. You deserve to breathe without that weight on your chest.

So if you’re triggered too, know this. You’re not alone. You’re allowed to feel it. You’re allowed to own it. And most importantly, you’re allowed to choose a new way forward.