You Don’t Owe Them Shit
I used to believe that closure came from conversations. That peace required both parties. That if I just explained things clearly enough, what hurt me, what they did, what I needed, they would finally get it. Finally see me. Finally say, “I’m sorry.” But over the years, after way too many sleepless nights, anxiety-fueled texts, shaky voice notes, and crying in the car after trying to “talk things through,” I have learned something heartbreaking and freeing. You don’t owe people who hurt you a damn thing. Not your story. Not your time. Not your explanations. Not your healing. Some people know exactly what they did. Let’s stop pretending they don’t. Let’s stop shrinking our pain to make room for their denial.
They hurt you. Intentionally or not. Repeatedly. And when given the chance to do better, they didn’t. Or worse, they gaslit you and acted like you were the problem. There are people walking around this earth convinced they are innocent because the person they harmed never had the energy to unpack the damage. And why would we? Why do we always feel like we owe people clarity about a mess they made? That’s emotional labor. That’s unpaid therapy. That’s being your own advocate in a courtroom where the other person swears they weren’t even in the building. But they were. They were front row when the betrayal happened. They were active participants in your unraveling. They just didn’t expect you to leave. They didn’t expect silence. They didn’t expect boundaries. So now they play confused, hoping your guilt will do the explaining.
Let me say this clearly. You don’t owe anyone access to the parts of you they shattered. You don’t owe someone a conversation just because they want closure. You don’t owe forgiveness just because they suddenly discovered “growth.” You don’t have to circle back to validate someone else’s healing journey when they weren’t willing to protect yours. Healing does not require performance. You can heal privately. You can forgive without ever speaking to them again. You can accept what happened without becoming their emotional translator. And let’s be real. A lot of these people aren’t seeking clarity. They’re seeking a loophole. A back door. A shortcut through your boundaries. They want your forgiveness to fix their guilt, not your peace. That’s not healing. That’s manipulation dressed up as remorse.
I used to wrestle with not saying anything. I felt like silence made me look bitter. Like if I was really healed, I would sit down and “have the talk.” But sometimes silence is sacred. Sometimes no contact is the most honest form of love, for yourself. Sometimes not saying anything is your closure. I owe myself more than I owe them. I owe myself peace, not people-pleasing. I owe myself clarity, not confusion. I owe myself safety, not more trauma wrapped in guilt. I owe myself growth, not recycling pain with people who refuse to change.
So if you’re fighting the urge to explain yourself, to beg for understanding, to give someone one more chance to make things right, pause. Breathe. And remember this truth, even if it shakes your soul. You don’t owe them shit. Not now. Not ever.