Why Saying “No” Feels Wrong (and How to Say It Anyway)
Lately, I’ve been in that phase. That uncomfortable, shaky, second-guessing but still trying phase of saying no. Not out of spite. Not to be rude. But to honor myself.
And let me be real with you sometimes, saying no feels wrong. Even when it’s the right thing. Even when it’s honest. Even when your spirit is begging you to set that boundary.
Because for so long, “yes” was survival. “Yes” kept the peace. “Yes” made other people comfortable. “Yes” gave me a role to play: helper, strong friend, dependable daughter, the one who always comes through. But now I’m learning that every “yes” I didn’t mean was a little betrayal of myself.
And still… sometimes the “no” catches in my throat. I feel guilty. I over-explain. I wonder if I’m being too harsh, too selfish, too much. But here’s what I’m starting to understand: guilt is not always a signal that you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes it’s just the residue of old conditioning.
If you’re in this phase too unlearning, relearning, reclaiming I see you. It’s not easy, but it is necessary. Here are a few things that are helping me stay grounded in my “no,” even when it feels heavy.
First, I’ve started giving myself permission to pause before I answer. I used to feel like I had to reply immediately to a request, an invitation, or a call for help. But now, I take a breath. I ask myself, Do I want to do this, or do I feel obligated?That small pause gives my truth enough time to rise to the surface.
Second, I’m practicing in safe spaces. I don’t have to start with the big, scary nos. I can start with little ones—like saying no to group chat plans when I’m tired or skipping something that drains me. The more I honor those small boundaries, the stronger my boundary muscles get.
I also remind myself of a few affirmations that bring me back to center: It is safe for me to choose myself. I can disappoint others without dishonoring myself. No is not a rejection. It’s a redirection. Speaking those truths out loud has helped rewire my instincts.
Another big shift? Letting go of the apology spiral. I used to feel like I had to justify my no with a full explanation or apology. Now, I give myself permission to simply say, “That doesn’t work for me right now,” or “I won’t be able to.”That’s enough. My boundaries don’t need permission or approval to be valid.
And maybe most importantly, I try to remember what I’m making space for. Every no is a yes to something else—my peace, my time, my healing, my rest. I’m not being mean. I’m being intentional.
This season of saying no is sacred. It’s me rewriting my story. It’s me choosing myself in a world that taught me to shrink, perform, and people-please.
So if it feels wrong sometimes, that’s okay. That just means I’m healing
And if you’re in this phase too, know that you’re not alone. I’m right there with you.
— Becoming Herrss | Kayla Maryam ✨ 🌼